Saturday, January 30, 2016

Death doesn't come easy

Welcome my friends to this blog....

Death is a means of a end, to put something behind you, to have closure to something that will never open again, and to lose people that we love. 

I am 31 years old, for the first time in my short life, I am in the season of life, where it begins to start saying farwell to the people that have loved us for the entire time we are on this earth up to this point. Over the past year, I have been witness to such a beautiful process, of family coming together to support one another, to care for one another and unite in such a difficult, sad time in our lives.  I am so amazed that we have SO much love in our family. We are so lucky and so blessed. 

My 6 year old and 4 year old understand death much younger than I ever did, and they know exactly what it means.  It means that people get sick, and die and they go to a beautiful place where they see people that theyve loved before and have gone before them and are happy and whole and perfect.  They know the people they have loved, that have held them as babies laughed with, tickled, and  heard jokes from, are gone.  

I see a new transformation in our family---- We say more "I Love Yous". We hug, we care, we go out of our way a little more now just to remind each other we still are here, and we still care. We find joy in the small things, a baby's smile and laugh, children running amok in the house and dancing and laughing, board game/ or "Penny Poker" time with our families.  It is during this time I reflect the most on how truly amazingly blessed that in death- we've been able to learn those lessons-- to just love and laugh and LIVE. 

In death- I've gained a new insight on faith and hope. Faith means believing in something you can't see, and holding on for dear life.  Hope is just as important. Hope is the means of wanting something to happen, but it can't happen yet.  it goes in hand in hand with faith.  I've hoped, for more time, for a cure, for things to help, for doctors to know what they are doing. It goes with having faith in what the doctors can do, and to have faith that God knows what he's doing when he takes our very best.  

Love: love is what happens when everyone came together, to unite and support each other.  Love is what you feel when you have hope and faith, and everyone unites to move to support that. It's such a beautiful thing, and I am so thankful everyday that I've been present and able to witness that for months.  Love is a constant thing that never changes, Hope changes everyday- but without faith, it's not possible because that gives you the power to move, and believe and become.  In love, we were all united for one moment, for a hour, a day, a month, an year, 5 years, 10 years, 25 years, 31 years.

Saying good bye is always hard, It is so sad, and heart breaking, I wish so much, and so often that I never would have to do this again but I do.  When I feel like this, then  I think of this song.... by mr. brooks "the dance" 

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

I am so glad that I didn't know how it would all go, and how it eventually would end. I loved each day I had with you, It's all left up to chance but I know I would have missed the pain, but I wouldn't have wanted to miss this dance with you- you made my life full- with hope, love, and faith, and laughter-- thank you for forever loving me as I am, and i can't wait to see you all again.Good Bye until we meet again......... 

What A Wonderful World

I see trees of green, 
red roses too. 
I see them bloom, 
for me and you. 
And I think to myself,
what a wonderful world. 

I see skies of blue, 
And clouds of white. 
The bright blessed day, 
The dark sacred night
And I think to myself, 
What a wonderful world.

There I was, in a school gym-- full of 150 squirming 150 first graders on the risers, a sea of what seemed like 800 parents,grandparents, siblings of children singing that fateful afternoon.  My little boy- my firstborn spotted me and waved frantically at me and signed "I LOVE YOU MOMMY" (instant heart melt here folks)  He was happy.  There I was, in my own special area they marked off for me D/HH.  Suddenly-- rows full of chairs popped up... I sighed to myself-- typical hearing people.  The principal ran up to me and said are you OK? I'm like... Yeah sure I guess... its just " whatever" My friends that I had made over the 2 short- beautiful years since my son started going to school there started texting me.... Are you OK? "those hearing people are really stupid" (LOL) (I giggled to myself)  I'll make videos in case you can't see. <3 My interpreter ran up to me and was like-- oh god all those people! SO SORRY!! Yeah,Yeah, the principal walked over again and explained quietly that he could ask people to move... I was like, for once, I want what I want.  Yes! ask someone to move... where? uhh i'd like to sit over there (closer to center stage) He did.  I waddled over with my 4 year old and waved at people along the way. I sat down.  I realized no one cried, no one freaked, no one yelled.  Wow, the world didn't end because I asked nicely as a deaf person to be treated equally to my peers and have access that everyone else has.  2 cute 6/7 year olds come forward and said... this is a song about the world, and the things in it.... and they began to sing.... I see trees of green, red roses too.  I see them bloom for me and you, and I think to myself-- what a wonderful world.  I began to tear up.  I thought about how proud i was of my son, and the long journey we've taken together since he was born.  That indescribable joy. I thought then to myself, It has been a crazy few months even with "bright blessed day" and the struggles we've had "dark sacred nights" and how we continue to find ways to think to ourselves often walking along the way, "What a wonderful world" 

The colors of the rainbow, 
So pretty in the sky. 
Are also on the faces, 
Of people going by, 
I see friends shaking hands. 
Saying, "How do you do?" 
They're really saying, 
"I love you". 

I hear babies cry
I watch them grow, 
They'll learn much more, 
Than I'll ever know. 
And I think to myself, 
What a wonderful world. 

Yes, I think to myself, 
What a wonderful world. 

This world that we have is so diverse, so original.... "so pretty in the sky" I find mothering a 6 year old is much more challenging than mothering a 2 year old.  This is when I begin to teach about Diversity- and loving yourself, and Bullies and hate.  I hate that I, have to as a mother teach my children why that happens in this world.  Again, I think to myself of the HOPE that we teach our children it's so important to have manners, and care for others.

This struck me more than anything else as a mother... I hear babies cry, and they grow, and they'll learn much more than we'll ever know.  Life will always change. it is Evolving.  There are the first times your children do things.. and then the thousands and hundreds of times, then one day, it's the last time, and they never do it again.  I am constantly amazed at the things my children learn. I hope your love for learning never stops.  It truly is what keeps the world moving.  Yes, I think to myself.... What a wonderful world.